What would you guys do ?

[ketsugo]

Ya know I took in old friend gal pal . No sex just friend who was homeless and friend less . Year ago . Now I need my space . She’s off heroine so hits clinic and groups . I need to move to smaller place alone I have great place near my favorite gym on earth . Half rent with utilities included. I’d save $800 month . Yet I worry about her . I try to have the talk but she flips . I even talk if my health like most I know I do live with treatable form cancer but I say I could drop dead so find alternative living back up . She won’t . I am a social worker and teacher so I’m obsessed helper I even volunteer at animal rescue place on weekends. Oh here is kicker I been on administrative leave from job due to my affiliation with her as she has record , so hard for her to get good job or nice place . So like I’m stuck . She evens now has cat to make me double guilty . Yet I passed check for two incredible apartments. But alone . No hurry but at some point my job will meet and decide to fire or allow me back and I need her gone . Sheesh I need psychiatric help lol


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[pupu]

You did a very good deed in taking her in but now she has to go one way or another..

 

[testboner]

Your question is, 'What would you guys do,' and I have an answer because I did it in the past (early end of 90s, early 2000ish). I met a girl at church who had mental health issues (not drugs, nor drug rehab type). She had attractive qualities yes, but I was honestly not interested in being involved in even the slightest of ways for that reasoning. I developed a friendship with her and it turned out she had a difficult home life situation that she needed out of. It seemed that perhaps she could get on her feet if she could escape her situation. I had a 2 bdrm, 2ba condo at the time in S. OC (SoCal) and was living alone. So I offered her a casual stay (nothing official) for a bit. She had her own side of the condo, her own room and full bath and I had mine on the opposite end. I came to learn that she was under treatment for a bipolar/schizophrenia condition ("supposedly" as I don't think much of a lot of those diagnosis). I helped take her to her appointments, and began to learn quite a bit about her meds and her behavior, etc. When she was balanced, she was a really neat and cool person.... funny, intelligent, etc, but when she went through her swings - WATCH OUT!

Looooooong story short, after quite a few months time with her at my condo, I began to realize that either I was going to have to get more involved with her (as her man sort of involvement), or else find a way to help connect her with a girlfriend who could help her, or perhaps find her a decent guy with a good heart who may want to take on a girlfriend like her. I had a bit of success by chance as we were at a starbucks on one occasion. A male employee and her seemed to click, and I had an acquaintanceship with the dude. I was able to sort of play matchmaker at least to the extent that they began to hangout together quite a bit, and she began to stay at his place, typically 2-3 nights of the week. It did relieve a lot of the sense of responsibility I had gotten into with her. He took on more of a role in her life routine, and I was eventually about 50% free from things. Eventually, he and I helped lead her into a facility where she could get state assistance, have room and board, and have her treatment handled. It wasn't optimal so far as she was concerned, but she realized it was a livable scenario for her. She was free to come and go most hours of the day at the facility, and was still able to maintain her involvement with the other dude and I gradually fazed out of the picture.
Kets. I can't help but wonder if you've gotten a bit emotionally attached to the girl. I know how it goes. If that's the case, you have to cut it out. And about the only thing I can think of is to either take whatever measures you can to kick her out (legal, etc), which I doubt you want to do, and I understand. Otherwise, try and connect her with a girlfriend or boyfriend who'll take up her time and who she'll grow more involved with to more organically phase her out of your life.
That's about all I got dude.

 

[1977_Corvette]

You need to teach her how to become employed and financially independent. Why is this women so hopelessly dependent on you? What is preventing her from working or taking care of herself?

 

[01dragonslayer]

I agree with some of the above comments. You helped her during an extreme traumatic point in her life. I have never been in a position like yours so take this for what its worth. It seems now that she might be taking advantage of you and taking you for granted. You did something for her that many people would not do for a family member. I would hate for you to go this route but if she is not listed on your lease agreement legally she cannot be there if you don't want her there. I don't know if you have tried to explained to her that its time to 'move on' and do not like having a roomie. You are really stuck between a rock and hard place....I wish you luck my friend and remember we are always here ta help, give some advice or lend an ear.

 

[Ulamalop]

She evens now has cat to make me double guilty

That would be my "get out NOW" threshold.

 

[Ricnixon]

I’m not trying to be insensitive, but don’t fuck up your life and job for this girl. She’s gotta go ASAP so your life and future aren’t in jeopardy

 

[HoRRoRT]

Does she have any of her mail going to that place ? If not tell her to get a po box and if she already does it is going to be a bitch to kick her out cause that's her place of residents!! if it is the best thing you can do is either move and leave her behind or get a restraining order! or you can speak to the apartment manager to write up a letter telling you she has to leave due to she isn't on the lease
​

Ya know I took in old friend gal pal . No sex just friend who was homeless and friend less . Year ago . Now I need my space . She’s off heroine so hits clinic and groups . I need to move to smaller place alone I have great place near my favorite gym on earth . Half rent with utilities included. I’d save $800 month . Yet I worry about her . I try to have the talk but she flips . I even talk if my health like most I know I do live with treatable form cancer but I say I could drop dead so find alternative living back up . She won’t . I am a social worker and teacher so I’m obsessed helper I even volunteer at animal rescue place on weekends. Oh here is kicker I been on administrative leave from job due to my affiliation with her as she has record , so hard for her to get good job or nice place . So like I’m stuck . She evens now has cat to make me double guilty . Yet I passed check for two incredible apartments. But alone . No hurry but at some point my job will meet and decide to fire or allow me back and I need her gone . Sheesh I need psychiatric help lol


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[HoRRoRT]

I agree with some of the above comments. You helped her during an extreme traumatic point in her life. I have never been in a position like yours so take this for what its worth. It seems now that she might be taking advantage of you and taking you for granted. You did something for her that many people would not do for a family member. I would hate for you to go this route but if she is not listed on your lease agreement legally she cannot be there if you don't want her there. I don't know if you have tried to explained to her that its time to 'move on' and do not like having a roomie. You are really stuck between a rock and hard place....I wish you luck my friend and remember we are always here ta help, give some advice or lend an ear.

That's not true brother! if she gets any mail to that place that is her place of residents and she would legally get a certain amount of time to leave based on there laws where he lives.. that's how it is in cali idk about where he lives but I'm sure its similar

 

[Northeastconfederate]

Ok, I'm new here, but I'll toss in my 2 cents. You mentioned that she's off heroin. From that, I gather she's a drug addict, apparently now off drugs. You mentioned groups and clinics. Does that mean she's attending NA meetings and aftercare following rehab? Is she titally clean? Or has she just kicked the heroin but still drinks and/or gets high using milder drugs?

I ask these questions as a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I've been sober 31 + years.

If she's totally clean and sober and going to NA and/or AA meetings, find out if she has a sponsor (someone to guide her in her recovery in AA/NA, whichever she's (hopefully) attending. If she does, you might be able to speak to the sponsor - who is hopefully female - and get her (the sponsor's) help getting this chick out on her own.

If she's not in either AA/NA or both, she damn sure needs to be. Ditto if she isn't totally clean and sober. If she's using any kind of drugs or drinking, she'll find herself back on heroin sooner or later. Trust me, I've seen it probably hundreds of times in the 3 decades I've been involved in AA.

If she's clean and sober, a halfway house is probably an ootion if she can't afford a place on her own. No doubt her standard of living would go down, and the cat would have to go, but she'd have a roof over her head and a safe environment.

Those are my suggestions based on my personal experience as an alcoholic and drug addict with years of experience helping people in AA. Though I've never taken anyone in to my home. There's actually a section of the book Alcoholics Anonymous in the chapter "Working With Others" that says, "We sdom allow an alcoholic to live in our homes for very long at a time." It goes on to say that it isn't good for the alcoholic, as it permits him (her in this case) to become dependant. And it if course puts a strain on you and your own family, if you have one (which it sounds like you don't).

I'll ho pretty far out on a limb here and risk offending you - even though I'm new here - and suggest that if you have this compulsive need to help people to your own detriment, that you would really benefit from Alanon. It's similar to AA - it's sort of the "sister program" - but is for those who become involved with alcoholics and /or drug addicts and find themselves just as sick as the drunk is. Such as doing things for the addict that adversely affect your own life. Having this chick live with you at the expense of your job qualifies. Think about it: if you lose your job, how long will it be before both of you need to find a place to live?

There you go... I hope this was helpful and I hope I didn't insult you. I also hope you come up with a solution that suits you and that she gets whatever help she needs.

 

[Donkeykong]

She is a "Clingon" and will suck you dry (mentally,emotionally or financially depending on type) like a parasite. If you get her OUT she will find another way to get on. That is life. If there is a will there is a way and she'll either find a way to get by or find another person to leech off.This is an issue with my brother. He is near 30 and has never had his own place. Has lost 5 jobs showing up drunk and probably at the last place that will hire him. He does nothing and has never had a girl friend. My mother enables him so he has never needed to take care of himself. I was shown the door at 17 and never needed help( for the most part lol) since. for some reason perhaps cause he s the youngest she likes having him home. But its ruining his life.You have to push them out of the nest and they will fly where as most of us "jump" and leave the nest on our own.
This is same with this girl. She needs a push. If need be help her find a shelter and then get a restraining order if need be. there are people like you who have tried helping others only to have lost their own homes after the person lives there long enough they can in some sates take your house under "squatters rights" or the fact they've been there a certain length of time. The law can really fk you over if you don't play this out right. Be careful and I would probably FIRST get an order that she leave within 90 days and THEN show her a few spots to go and if you have to show her some jobs . Once she is on her own her ass will have to get up and work like normal and she may start feeling better again.

 

[Ricnixon]

That's not true brother! if she gets any mail to that place that is her place of residents and she would legally get a certain amount of time to leave based on there laws where he lives.. that's how it is in cali idk about where he lives but I'm sure its similar

This is correct. She has established residency. In legal jargon it’s called “standing.” Tenants have more rights than landlords. I have some rental properties and let me tell you..... it can be a nightmare.

 

[ketsugo]

Hey thanks everyone- I appreciate everyone here who commented . I actually try to talk but that’s when I get the ms Hyde side “ I’ll kill the cat, get us evicted etc. “ which only because I don’t want my landlords elderly parents to go into cardiac arrest I haven’t gone further . To answer few questions she is 100% clean BUT gets methadone 160mg at clinic daily she’s 4 ‘11” 87 pounds takes size 00 pants lol 34 years old . Her parents whored her at 12 to support their heroine but she was taken from them hadn’t had family for over 15 years no one . She refuses the shelter but I think one of her dates or Johns as she used to be escort / pro but they of course would make her pay rent through sex. Me I’m so not attracted to her but feel horrible for her . She owns nothing walked around with broken stilleto heels held with masking tape so I bought her shoes , bra underwear and clothing at second hand store . I did however for her bday buy her first new outfit at mall. She’s exconvict so has bad Cori trouble finding “ good job” I think donkey you’re right she’d likely find something to go on. My landlord is actually as long as she is clean stay here, he won’t put her on lease and won’t kick only her out. Plus I find out my apartment has never kept anyone long as me cuz too expensive and both neighbors are Douche’s noisey play loud music thru wee hours. I’ve actually threatened to beat to death both so I compromised letting them play til 10 pm . 24/7 loud music shaking house when I’m the only one paying the entire electric bills ( my new surprise) landlord raises rent from 900$ to 1100$ nothing included when gal moves in now I find my 300$ electric bill when I live in the dark no lights , thermostat at 60. Never use gas stove shower at gym never home WTF !!!! I want to bring electric company in but I’m thinking landlord will raise rent more . Check no outlet or electric in bathroom??? Really ?? I have battery lamp , if I toast a piece of bread and operate microwave or anything else the entire building blows breaker several times day for past year . LL “ oh it’s old building “ my side door don’t lock since before I moved here. I met guy lived in my place he and his girl moved due to 500$ month electric bill . Like they put in central air new heating There is three entrance doors to outside in front of the crack of each door is the vents so all heat or air goes outside. We have huge parking lot but it’s filled with junk trucks and tractors from landlords fencing company so no off street parking . . Like I’m up to here wth Douche bags . I may just move not tell her new addy but let her know she needs to find place however already have my cat and TV gone lol


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[ketsugo]

This is correct. She has established residency. In legal jargon it’s called “standing.” Tenants have more rights than landlords. I have some rental properties and let me tell you..... it can be a nightmare.

Cool I’ll leave her and landlord to deal as both my new place won’t allow ex convicts nor will my job allow me to live with her . I’ve done enough for her and she still says it’s like prison ?? Free clothing free food free cable free rides free dish washing and cleaning yup life is hard fir her lol


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[gbb_04]

Get rid of her. You can't help someone who doesnt want to help themselves..

 

[MotorCityMuscleMachine]

Hey thanks everyone- I appreciate everyone here who commented . I actually try to talk but that’s when I get the ms Hyde side “ I’ll kill the cat, get us evicted etc. “ which only because I don’t want my landlords elderly parents to go into cardiac arrest I haven’t gone further . To answer few questions she is 100% clean BUT gets methadone 160mg at clinic daily she’s 4 ‘11” 87 pounds takes size 00 pants lol 34 years old . Her parents whored her at 12 to support their heroine but she was taken from them hadn’t had family for over 15 years no one . She refuses the shelter but I think one of her dates or Johns as she used to be escort / pro but they of course would make her pay rent through sex. Me I’m so not attracted to her but feel horrible for her . She owns nothing walked around with broken stilleto heels held with masking tape so I bought her shoes , bra underwear and clothing at second hand store . I did however for her bday buy her first new outfit at mall. She’s exconvict so has bad Cori trouble finding “ good job” I think donkey you’re right she’d likely find something to go on. My landlord is actually as long as she is clean stay here, he won’t put her on lease and won’t kick only her out. Plus I find out my apartment has never kept anyone long as me cuz too expensive and both neighbors are Douche’s noisey play loud music thru wee hours. I’ve actually threatened to beat to death both so I compromised letting them play til 10 pm . 24/7 loud music shaking house when I’m the only one paying the entire electric bills ( my new surprise) landlord raises rent from 900$ to 1100$ nothing included when gal moves in now I find my 300$ electric bill when I live in the dark no lights , thermostat at 60. Never use gas stove shower at gym never home WTF !!!! I want to bring electric company in but I’m thinking landlord will raise rent more . Check no outlet or electric in bathroom??? Really ?? I have battery lamp , if I toast a piece of bread and operate microwave or anything else the entire building blows breaker several times day for past year . LL “ oh it’s old building “ my side door don’t lock since before I moved here. I met guy lived in my place he and his girl moved due to 500$ month electric bill . Like they put in central air new heating There is three entrance doors to outside in front of the crack of each door is the vents so all heat or air goes outside. We have huge parking lot but it’s filled with junk trucks and tractors from landlords fencing company so no off street parking . . Like I’m up to here wth Douche bags . I may just move not tell her new addy but let her know she needs to find place however already have my cat and TV gone lol


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Damn, that's terrible (. ,horrific is more like it ). What has happened to her.

Your a good hearted "Empathetic" person bro, I respect the hell out of that. Move on, find a quaint "better" place for yourself. I wish you the Utmost of luck with this scenario. Yes, you've done plenty brother, take care of you!

MotorCity

 

[01dragonslayer]

That's not true brother! if she gets any mail to that place that is her place of residents and she would legally get a certain amount of time to leave based on there laws where he lives.. that's how it is in cali idk about where he lives but I'm sure its similar

I apologize for giving inaccurate info then. I know....this was a few years back...I had a roommate that stopped paying me his portion of the rent. He had moved in with me after about a year and due his name not being on the original lease agreement I could have him 'evicted'.

I'm sorry about your situation and I do hope things work out for both of you.

 

[Anon44]

Ok, I'm new here, but I'll toss in my 2 cents. You mentioned that she's off heroin. From that, I gather she's a drug addict, apparently now off drugs. You mentioned groups and clinics. Does that mean she's attending NA meetings and aftercare following rehab? Is she titally clean? Or has she just kicked the heroin but still drinks and/or gets high using milder drugs?

I ask these questions as a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I've been sober 31 + years.

If she's totally clean and sober and going to NA and/or AA meetings, find out if she has a sponsor (someone to guide her in her recovery in AA/NA, whichever she's (hopefully) attending. If she does, you might be able to speak to the sponsor - who is hopefully female - and get her (the sponsor's) help getting this chick out on her own.

If she's not in either AA/NA or both, she damn sure needs to be. Ditto if she isn't totally clean and sober. If she's using any kind of drugs or drinking, she'll find herself back on heroin sooner or later. Trust me, I've seen it probably hundreds of times in the 3 decades I've been involved in AA.

If she's clean and sober, a halfway house is probably an ootion if she can't afford a place on her own. No doubt her standard of living would go down, and the cat would have to go, but she'd have a roof over her head and a safe environment.

Those are my suggestions based on my personal experience as an alcoholic and drug addict with years of experience helping people in AA. Though I've never taken anyone in to my home. There's actually a section of the book Alcoholics Anonymous in the chapter "Working With Others" that says, "We sdom allow an alcoholic to live in our homes for very long at a time." It goes on to say that it isn't good for the alcoholic, as it permits him (her in this case) to become dependant. And it if course puts a strain on you and your own family, if you have one (which it sounds like you don't).

I'll ho pretty far out on a limb here and risk offending you - even though I'm new here - and suggest that if you have this compulsive need to help people to your own detriment, that you would really benefit from Alanon. It's similar to AA - it's sort of the "sister program" - but is for those who become involved with alcoholics and /or drug addicts and find themselves just as sick as the drunk is. Such as doing things for the addict that adversely affect your own life. Having this chick live with you at the expense of your job qualifies. Think about it: if you lose your job, how long will it be before both of you need to find a place to live?

There you go... I hope this was helpful and I hope I didn't insult you. I also hope you come up with a solution that suits you and that she gets whatever help she needs.

She's playing you! Go to the court get an eviction notice and serve her. Boot her ass. 160mg methadone ed? shit sober my ass.

She's playing your kindness for weakness. I hate when nice people get taken advantage of. You come first, keep the cat can the freeloader!

Good luck.

 

[C587]

Your enabling her bro. Even though it'll hurt best thing for her is to go hit rock bottom and figure her own life out.

My parents enabled me off and on until I was 27 and got kicked out for good. Spent a couple years living I'm and outta cheap motels and the streets when I didn't have ' room $'...it was for the best though. I never would have got off dope when I had a nice house to live in w free food and maid service...

 

[Donkeykong]

She's playing you! Go to the court get an eviction notice and serve her. Boot her ass. 160mg methadone ed? shit sober my ass.

She's playing your kindness for weakness. I hate when nice people get taken advantage of. You come first, keep the cat can the freeloader!

Good luck.

i had a huge habit since i got quite a bit for "free" and when i went to detox#2 they gave me 35mgs of methadone...it was enough to take most withdrawal away but def not get high or even feel 100%... at clinics they keep people on any dose they want and go up till they are whacked out...all the addict has to say is they stll feel sick. So they INC the dose. Addicts being addicts will keep playin it out till there barley standing then that dose they stay at and becomes normal tolerance builds and if they EVER have to come off that...Good luck.I feel for her since she was born into the life but they worst thing you can do is enable them. Toss em in streets or even jail and theyll learn quick to take care of themselves. My mother thinks my bro will die if she kicks him out or kill himself. I say whats going to happen when shes not around? Sink or swim. I'd even offered him to live witgh me at one point but hed have to pay rent and if he came in drunk hed be sleeping on the street. Course hed rather mommy lol. Fk the best thing for some people is tough love.